Legal Murder

While re-reading a George Carlin book…


You can talk about capital punishment all you want, but I don’t think you can leave everything up to the government. Citizens should be willing to take personal responsibility. Every now and then, you’ve got to do the right thing, and go out and kill someone on your own. I believe the killing of human beings is a function of government that needs to be privatized.

I say this because I believe most people know at least once other person they wish were dead. One other person whose death would make their life a little easier. A sexual rival; and abuser; a tormentor at school; a parent who’s been draining the family nest egg by lingering too long on life support. Don’t run from it.

So, I offer a plan: Legal Murder Once a Month

Under this plan, every thirty days each person in America will be allowed to kill one other person without incurring any punishment. One murder, per person, per month. But you can’t just kill anybody. It’s not random. Each month there will be a different type of person it’s ok to kill. For instance, one month it would be all right to kill a business associate. That month, kill anybody at work – no punishment. But you must have a good reason; none of this weak shit, “I caught him fucking my wife.” It has to be a good reason. Like “The guy is just a real asshole!” Kill-a-neighbor-day, a perfect way to settle an old score, and upgrade the neighborhood. And just to provide a little flexibility, a neighbor will be considered anyone who lives in your zip code.

You know, now that I think of it, it would probably make sense to have Wild-Card-Day. One day a year when everyone can go out and kill whomever the fuck they want. Many of us have long lists of specific, worthy targets who don’t fall into any of the established categories. Retail clerks, landlords, teachers, salesmen, telephone solicitors; the snotty blond bitch on the “Six o Clock News”? The guy who keeps braying “Thank God, no one was hurt”, every time someone so much as backs into a lamppost.

Now, let me quickly point out that my Legal Murder Once a Month plan has 3 strict rules: First, it isn’t cumulative, you can’t save up all your murders for a year and then go waltzing into McDonalds and spoil everyone’s Egg McMuffin. You get one murder a month, use it or lose it.

Rule #2: You can’t hire someone to do the murder for you. You have to do it yourself. And if you’re squeamish, take my word for it, you’ll get over that. There’s nothing to it. I, myself, have killed six people. All random, undetected, no traces back to me. And let me tell you, there’s nothing like it. It’s a great feelings. Yeah I know, you’re thinking “Aw, he’s a comedian. He’s just saying that stuff.” Good, that’s exactly what I wan’t you to think.

Rule #3: You can’t kill your own offspring, it’s just off limits. OK? If they’re really that bad, they’ll piss someone else off, and that person will handle it for you.

For all you civic-minded dipshits, there’s nothing in the constitution to prevent any of this. The state doesn’t oppose murder, just people who go into business for themselves. Life is cheap, never forget it. Corporations make market decisions by weighing the cost of being sued for your death against the cost of making the product safer. Your life is a factor in cost effectiveness. Besides, my society taught me that murder is part of life. My species is really good at it. I belong to the only species in the history of the world that systematically tortures and murders it’s own members for pleasure, profit, and convenience.

See how easily we figured all that out.

10 thoughts on “Legal Murder”

  1. I guess you have your computer back, your posts have been a lot more detailed.. Why too detailed for me to read all this shit.. The last time I read this much shit I got a grade.. But keep doing your thing!

  2. Interesting post and definitely a good read. X just made because it took him an hour to read the first paragraph (joking* *daps X*

    This topis is always a good talk. It has its pros and cons. I believe if you kill, you should be killed. That is just me.

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