You only know what you see…

….you DO NOT understand what it takes to be me! © Jay-Z

I do not care if you read this, I do not care if you comment. I do care that I do not keep this to myself, and that I write it down somewhere, just to get it off my mind. I have never been so frustrated, yet motivated.

In these most recent months, amazing things have happened, and shitty things alike. I have earned thousands, I have lost thousands.I have been stolen from by the thousands of US dollars, from family members. I have been lied to and disrespected, I have been frustrated. I have failed tests and even a class. I have had (what I thought to be) my most prized possessions vandalized and/or stolen. Including my motorcycle being pushed over because some silver spoon white kid decided he wanted so badly for me to place my hands on his drunken person. And my other vehicle being broken into… clothes, electronics, cash, and even my fucking toothbrush were stolen. I have been 0.79% away and not made the cut. I have been to awards shows, met celebrities, met many more great people. I have purchased music, I have stolen music. I have received no explanation on why the friendship with a certain someone feels so distant and terminated. I have…no wait, fuck that…. I AM currently experiencing sickness and pain. 2 cavities that I can’t afford to have “repaired”, yet I still smile not only because I have teeth, but because I have teeth (I hope you caught that). I have partied, ate, drank, and been paid to party, eat, and drink. Along with supporting myself, I have been supporting others. I have translated Spanish for foreigners. I have donated to the needy. I have taken thousands of pictures. I have started 2 websites.

All in the month of November, I have had to devote several nights of fun, sleep, and work towards being on a phone, 800 miles away, with a friend who is crying and debating about suicide. Including walking out on a date to take a phone call; going to work with only 3 hours of sleep; dealing with the headaches of not being able to help, even worst, the feeling of something being your fault. I plan to live all the days of my life. Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete: If you’re alive, it isn’t.

I have been to professional sports events, I have had my truck booted while I went to get change to pay for parking, and instead of paying $5 for parking, I had to pay $50 as boot removal fee, while subsequently being laughed at and harassed by a pair of unhappy with life white boys. I have been talked about for the way I look, talk, smell, act, and even the form of my jump-shot. I have gotten played because my truck is not sitting on 22”s, I have gotten play…because my truck is not sitting on 22”s. I have had my intelligence insulted, I have been offended, I have been discriminated against. I have been loved, I have been cared for, I have been treated fairly. I have stepped outside of the box, I have made serious changes. I have enjoyed myself. I’ve learned from wise men, I have learned from total fucking idiots.

While you were getting ready to celebrate the holidays, I have spent 31 hours in a county jail, with no blanket, pillow, or even so much as a toothbrush and a shower, due to an error made on someone else’s behalf, and a slight bit of my own negligence. I have served someone else’s time. I care not to ever speak about this. I have been inconvenienced. I have dealt with the most asshole-ish pigs in the world that have gone out of their way to use every power given to them to make my life hell.. I still wonder to this day, how in the hell can did they get those biscuits through the metal detector. And if you can have one of those jail biscuits, how come they don’t just let you bite into a fucking baseball? I have eaten good, I have eaten great, I have gone days without eating or drinking. I have eaten turkey on Thanksgiving, I have eaten peanut butter & jelly. I have had my vehicle towed, immediately after being told I would have the opportunity to move it. I celebrate the death of my Grandfather Roscoe Sr., every Thanksgiving, it has been one year since we’ve seen each other. I respect that man, I will never forget that man.

I have been used, I have used others. I know what karma is. I have been scared. I can’t believe it, but I have been worried. Worry is like a rocking chair – it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

I have celebrated a birthday, and received a free trip around the sun. I have gotten 4 birthday cakes. I have gone days in the past without even so much as getting a “Happy Birthday” phone call. Meanwhile, I am still working 40 hours a week at my FT employment, with an additional 10-15 per week at the part-time job, an additional 5-10 hours per week making money the best way I legally know how. I have been so busy that I had no time to sleep. I have been so unoccupied that I could not sleep anymore. I spend every moment I can learning and bettering myself, and cherish every other breath. I do not live a perfect life, very far from it. I have kept secrets. I have spoken. I’ve lost my keys, replaced them, then had them taken from me. I have shown pride. I have been humble.

All whilst ignoring all your fucking politics, attitudes, mood swings, negativity, rumors, insults, and outright hating….and keeping my goddamned head high. To hell with hanging your head down, that’s what my dick is for…along with any willing haters to remain on the tip of.

There are people out there that I love, there are people that love me. There are people that I didn’t even know loved me. There are people that don’t love I love them, and at the same time there are people who do know that I love them (I know this is repetitive, but you know who you are).

So now, what in the hell can you say to me that’s going to stop me? Aside, from the extreme, there is nothing anyone can do to me, to stop me. I am determined. I am driven. I am tired, but so full of energy. The harder someone knocks me down, the quicker I get up, the less I get knocked down. I have not shed one tear on frustration, my tears are for happiness…and onions of course. I have had good days, I have had not-so-good days. If life gives us rocks, it’s our choice whether to build a bridge or a wall.

 

“The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.” ~Jack London

“Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Whine less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Hate less, love more . . . And all good things are yours.”
– Swedish proverb

Lucky Me!

10 thoughts on “You only know what you see…”

  1. This is the best thing I’ve read from you to date.
    This is the most real yet weirdly poetic scribe I’ve read to this day.
    Your worry chair has quit rocking it seems, and I think you’re ready to take on to bigger better things.
    It’s amazing how much I’ve learned about you since we’ve been far away.
    Cheers to your never ending drive, cheers to your exhilarating energy, your humbleness, passion, depth, persona, character, realness.
    CHEERS to you Craig, see you soon.

    PS: For some reason, I would have loved to meet you grandfather. He’s probably grinning, proudly…

  2. Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete: If you’re alive, it isn’t.

    ^^Love that. Great post cMac. It’s not easy to write from the heart like that and I respect the fact that you were so open and real.

  3. Jesus H. Christ.

    Dude.. I’m someone who struggles with so many different things.. and I throw in the towel just as easily as breathing, sometimes.

    I give you all the respect in the world for overcoming situations and fighting the way you appear to be fighting.

    The only thing I can say is that I don’t know you, but I know your struggle–and for what it’s worth–you’re not alone.

    God bless, homey. It can’t rain all the time.

    –Rey

  4. Also: Props for posting this for all the world to see. Lord knows I’ve done my share of personal, “emo” posts and they all take a certain amount of bravery to leave up there for the world to see.

    Peace,

    –Rey (again)

  5. Rey… don’t be throwing towels lol!

    Man, this type of shit that I posted frustrates me. I caught myself in 3 different occasions about to cry in the last day. and then I ask myself “Why”

    then it’s back to business

  6. Nice Post doggie. I have always wanted to reach a median in my life where everything is balanced but then I realized how can life be balanced if something or other always weighs on my mind. So I decided deal with it if its important and if it isnt not to waste my time worrying about it.

  7. @ Cmac– Heh, I haven’t thrown in the towel yet. Luckily I haven’t heard any bell either.

    I got a few more rounds in me, and I’m not talking drinks or bullets.

  8. aww cmac! great post! when life gives you lemons, make lemonade..or something like that…..idk,lol, but thanx for sharing this

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