Tag Archives: love

Love is not hate.

I can’t listen to the intro track to Jay Z’s MCHG, I skip it. Why on earth would you let someone take the food out your mouth? Why would you let them take the air out your lungs? Curse my name and I letcha? NO. Shirt off my back…. ok maybe you can have that, but that’s where it stops. 

 

Don’t know if she’s coming or going? One day you’re here, one day you’re there… so unfair. 

 

“And I still dont know whyyyyyy I love you so badddd” – *Timberlake croons*

 

I’m sorry, but I need a better reason than “I don’t know”. How about “I love her because she doesn’t curse my name, but she holds it to the highest standard… and she’s proud to wear my name… she’s proud to say HIM… that’s MY man!”

 

How about “He wouldn’t dare take the air out of my lungs because he knows I have a moderate/severe case of asthma. Matter of fact he keeps my inhaler on deck.”

 

Give me better reasons than “I still don’t know why”… It’s probably that sauce that you’re lost in… that’s usually why. Don’t want to believe it huh? Take that sauce away… see if they still love you.

 

Newsflash: Sex isn’t love. 

 

I’m good man. I will completely pass on anyone who isn’t completely sure about how they feel about me. I don’t want to be so deep in love one day and fighting the next. That thin line between love and hate? Who does that? That’s for damaged people who aren’t completely sure on how they feel about themselves, so how can they be completely sure how they feel about another? How do you go from talking about baby names and planning your dream wedding to “I’m not sure” in less than 24 hours. How do we go from “Even when it got hard, we still made it through….Is it always easy? No, but I would rather be here with you than anyone else.” To… “I don’t want to be here” in a matter of days? I spent 30 days begging someone not to go and another 30 days begging to come back. No explanations. No shame in it, no bitterness. Only lessons learned… like this one: Whoever told you that’s how love works lied. 

 

That’s a love/ hate relationship. If you were wise? You would do anything in your power to avoid it, because when the stronger the love gets, the stronger the hate becomes, and the thinner that line is. Then I was blessed enough to encounter love without the hate… I didn’t even know it existed. But I can tell you that it’s my preference. I can tell you that type of love only afflicts the heart, not the wallet, not the status, not the things you can provide (rest haven). No, that love is reserved for the type of man or woman who loves you entirely, flaws and all. Trainwreck in the morning… 

 

Whoever told you that you could be in love with two people at once [Chris Brown/ Karreuche/ Rihanna] LIED… New Rule: Either you give me 100% of your love or none at all. I’m not interested in sharing, or secret lovers tucked away in the closet, or indecisiveness. I give you all, you give me all in return. Because here it is: There are no amounts to love. Only the presence or absence. How can you be here but not be here? That’s a waste of everyone’s time… next time just call in sick. I love myself enough that I don’t need the 50% from the next person to make up for what I lack.

 

Find you a partner, who is willing to go all the way with you. Who most importantly is completely satisfied with themselves. No amount of flattery will ever fulfill another person, only nurture and encouragement to continue to love themselves and remain comfortable with themselves. Work it out for whatever is fair and whatever works for the two of you. They SHOW you with their actions, you can keep all words to yourselves. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting. Actions? Actions are unmistakable. 

 

 

I’m solely interested in love/ love relationships. You love me when I’m good AND you love me when I’m bad. You love me when I’m up AND you love me when I’m down. You love me when I’m in a Cadillac AND you love me when I’m on the train. You love me when I’m healthy AND you love me when I’m sick. No running to strangers telling them our secrets… Gossip says more about you than it does the person you’re speaking about. Loyalty on the other hand? Keeps the secrets just that, secret. No in between, no gray area…. that’s for suckers only. 

 

Shout out to women that are woman enough to stick by their man’s side through it all, no love for those who go looking elsewhere when things get tough. What part of loyalty is that? Ray Allen went to Miami to get a ring… yeah he got the ring and he hit the game winning shot too… but I wonder how well he sleeps at night knowing that he sold out the fans of Boston… or is his side of the story that Boston sold him out? The big 3 wasn’t cuttin’ it so he went to the bigger 3??

 

I get it, it’s just business. It’s not about friendship or camaraderie or loyalty, this is a game of dollars and cents for many. “What can you do for me?… What have you done for me lately?” It’s a game of love for few. 

 

 

*Jerry McGuire Voice*

Show me the love. 

You can’t handle the love. 

SHOW ME, THE LOVE.

 

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE LOVE.

 

SHOW MEEEEEE THE LOVEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

 

 

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

That’s it… that in itself is the love; I don’t see anything about hate. Can you handle it?

 

I need that on the run type… hold your heart and your gun (and your bible) type love. I need that push me, uplift me, support me, teach me, inspire me, LOVE ME for ME. 

 

Love ONLY. Love ALWAYS.

THIEF!!!

Reading my book… “Becoming a person of influence”

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I see these quotes as I’m reading and I immediately think of the last thing I stole.

I’m not a klepto [anymore], but I used to take things just because. With some b/s justification for why I did it, usually for the thrill, sometimes just because. “Well I already checked out and didn’t feel like getting back in line to spend $1”. There’s no justification for it. It’s allover the bible and my conscience and society that it’s unacceptable. It also supports the stereotype against black males being thieves. Great work self.

Well in this particular case, I stole basically a really big piece of paper. $1.29

We’d spent close to $150 on everything that day and I decided I wanted to add one more thing to the list. The guy checking us out overlooked it, I know he did. But I did not say anything, I just let him proceed to bag it. I know exactly where I got this bad habit from but that doesn’t make it ok. I then went on to tell her about some more little knick knacks that I got away with. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong. I know even though I got away with it, I was being watched.

I remember confessing to her. Ohhhh you should’ve seen the disappointment/ judgment on her face. It sucked. I felt like crap. I know I was wrong. I could tell she thought less of me after that. It never feels good to disappoint the people you care about. I was definitely a bad guy when I met her. She definitely stuck to her promise of changing my life. My goodness, God puts people in your life for a reason.

Then I read the next paragraph in of the chapter….

“Theft is theft whether it’s $1 or $1,000.”

Without a firm foundation of trust, there is nothing. If you can’t be trusted with the little things then you can’t be trusted at all. I think back to small things like why she never gave me her PIN numbers or passwords, I mean it makes all the sense in the world. As much as I wanted to do the right thing, I didn’t always do it.

I’ve been stolen from before… I’ve stolen before. It’s a cycle. You get deceivingly and and you get got.

Here’s the recurring theme in my journey. I’m not perfect, but endlessly chasing perfection. Every single day, I learn something about myself that I wish to improve upon, and I work to improve it.

It starts at rebuilding my integrity from the ground floor.

I feel I need to add something, I AM FIXING MYSELF. Hopefully my honesty helps fix someone else. Just because I’m reading the bible daily and working to better myself doesn’t mean that I automatically become a lame. No, I’m just more focused on what matter and more determined to be successful. I’ve wasted so much time chasing pleasure in the name of “being young” ok… well now that I know better. Can I just start to chase my dreams? Find love again, maybe find a wife? I think the only way to do it is through the God. That’s just me though.

So this Abe Lincoln excerpt really stood out to me. Yes, I’ve seen so much adversity, now I think about how do I act while in power. How have I acted in power? I’d like to think that I do well and I’m fair in all my doings. But I know my character is flawed, so is my integrity. Moving to the George Bush portion of the block quote: If the world followed me would it be a better world?

I don’t have an answer for that… yet. But I intend for the answer to be YES. Becoming the change that I wish to see in the world. Don’t judge me for who I used to be & the mistakes I’ve made, judge me only for who I am and who I strive to become.

Still reading…

My favorite excerpt would be the DON’T HAVE A PRICE.

I don’t care what people tell you to do, you need to decide early that you can’t be bought. Especially never sell your integrity for revenge. You only hurt yourself when trying to hurt others. Even if you don’t trust me, I know.

Major in the minor things. This goes back to that $1. This goes back to me doing my 30 days of no drinking. I want to drink right now because I’m close… but I’m not there yet. Just a few more hours man.. I’ve made it this far, why not? Do what you SHOULD do before you do what you WANT to do? An amazing method of remaining productive and getting things done. The best part of it all? You don’t dread the work that awaits you when you come home.

I think of how screwed I would’ve been if I hadn’t uploaded a job to a client before leaving the house and not coming home for a whole weekend. GET SH*T DONE.

Love Only. Love Always.

A few words on being appreciative.

Often the things we most strongly dislike in others are a reflection of ourselves. A mirror effect if you will. We look at it and disgusts us, just like an ugly blemish in the mirror. The  easy way to deal with the problem is to avoid the mirror, and just look outwards judging those around you… that’s how you go around the problem. The right way to handle it, in my humble opinion, is to go through the problem… look in the mirror and accept your imperfections.

Sometimes God puts exactly what you want/ need in front of you and tests you to see if you’re ready for your promotion. Many of us, although we think we’re deserving, are not.  Sometimes it comes from not knowing the value of what you have, sometimes it comes from not valuing YOURSELF. Actually I think it’s a combination of both.

When I was a child, I remember a conversation about why I was unhappy. The answer I gave to my guardians: I don’t have as many video games as ______. So worried about the next person that I can’t appreciate my own.

I’ve been so much better at it lately, the biggest thing I had to accept was “worthy does not mean entitled”. I’ve been ungrateful all my life, so pardon me if I don’t stop overnight. But I’m trying. Once you start to work on yourself you realize how difficult it actually is to unlearn bad habits, these qualities we feel are justified that unknowingly put off other people. Frequently, it’s not even “us” that’s doing it. It’s our peers, the people around us, society… us trying to fit in, rather than be ourselves.

This is what worked for me. These words are reflections of self.

First step: Understand that your situation could always be worse. Whatever it is, before you complain remember that.

Second Step: Remove all expectations. No disappointment. It’s not about what so & so got or what you wish you had. It’s about what you have today and who is willing to give to you.

Third step: Put yourself in the other persons shoes. Understand the sacrifice, love, effort, the thought put behind their gesture. Be thankful that someone loves your sorry ass to begin with and cares about you enough to do something for you. YOU ARE SPECIAL…. to someone. That’s why they’re doing it. Because you’re special and they want you to feel special.

I know where my ungrateful ways come from, but I also accept that they are in me. Can I be honest? I wasn’t raised right… well not entirely. I remember seeing people receive gifts and throw them back in the faces of people because it wasn’t pleasing enough. I swear that I once thought this was acceptable. I’ve seen people check the price tags on a gift before even saying thankyou. I’ve seen people get exactly what they wanted, or a notch below, or comparable something and still find a way to complain.

Do better. Be thankful.

SN: Love comes in many shapes and forms. I hadn’t seen love until I witnessed a girl go sell the clothes out of her suitcase to have money to spend for my birthday. I still watch the video of her singing happy birthday to me from time to time. God that woman loved me, and like any ungrateful person would, found a reason to complain. She saw something in me that no-one else saw, and she damn sure knew how to make someone feel special, even when they held no value in themselves. Speaks so highly to the integrity and character of someone.

It took me a while to realize it, but I’ll trade genuine love and affection over any amount of money or balleristic thing anyday. It was just hard to get accustomed to “the real thing” because I’d never known it. All I knew was what I’d seen all my life. This false reality that if you Spend more = love more. No stupid, if you love more = you get more love in return.

This particular birthday was an eye opener in many ways. It showed me I was a grown ass spoiled brat. It separated the fake friends from the real. It’s not always about a hidden motive, dig deep inside and ask are those reflections of yourself. The key to being grateful is putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. The real friends will reveal themselves. I’m very glad that I cancelled my big 25 party, I’m very glad that I didn’t believe the hype “You gotta do it bigger and better than last year” crap.

“Soon as the money blows/ pigeons take flight” – JayZ

Last year? I pulled up to valet in a Range Rover and had an entire flock of dimes jump out the truck with me (seats 5). Last year? We had a VIP section and bottles…. and more bottles… and blunts… and bottles… and cake… and candles… and sparklers…and pills… and bottles. Wait, I seriously drove home that night? What I did after that I’m even more ashamed of. Let’s just say I had a very important decision to make… It made for an amazing story to “the homies” but as I grew more mature, I realized how badly I’d hurt that girl. That night I didn’t care. But today I’m so so so so so ashamed. Life goes on.. she moved on, had a kid, but I’m surprised she even talks to me to this day. Forgiveness is wild, yet necessary.

I was so caught up in the fortune and fame, that I lost sight of what was important. I mean I was in the club every night, I knew every promoter, I shot so many millionaire birthday parties that I became delusional enough to think that I too deserved this. But I haven’t even seen a million. Not, not posessed, seen… I’ve never seen a million dollars with my own two eyes. So how dare I stunt like that’s me? You unearned privilege enjoying son-of-a……. wait a second. I’m describing myself as the type of person I claimed to hate.

Funny how that happens right?

As much as I despise the trait in others, I realized that I had to despise it in myself FIRST.

I had so many people come in and out of my life willing to give their all to me, and their all wasn’t good enough. I wanted more… and more… and more, until eventually I had nothing at all. It’s self defeating, it’s repelling, it’s toxic, it’s un-Godly. Be humble, be thankful.

Remember:  Effort, time, love, thought, compassion are infinitely more valuable than money.

Love Only. Love Always.

 

 

 

Fact: Actually everyone that was in that car that night has a kid now… I am not the father.